Life, Loss... Healing and Hope

Hey Chic Health nuts!  Today's post goes a bit deeper than the usual light, fun, fluffy recipe and health posts; but it's been a long time coming and I'm looking forward to a fresh start and GREAT things to come... and, as I stated in my very first post, if I can help ONE person (even if that person is me!), it's worth it to open up and share whatever we're comfortable sharing:).  My goal for this post is to inspire those with fertility struggles, encourage those who have been through losses, and know that no matter what difficulties you're encountering, there is always light at the end of the tunnel and time truly can heal all.  In fact, a few of you have recently messaged me regarding your losses, and that inspires me to share this even more...

Some of you may have read about my struggles in my fertility post that included struggling to get pregnant with Kai and many tests with some medication to follow.  We fell into the same spot trying for baby 2 as well.  We started earlier than we should with the mindset that it would take awhile and most likely wouldn't happen naturally anyway.  We were right in our assumption, and again were prescribed medication.  Since I currently choose to take NO other medications in my life, I was hesitant, but decided it was our best option.  While it didn't happen the first month on the meds as it did with Kai, it took 2 months, and needless to say we were still ecstatic.  Sadly, 6 weeks to the day into the pregnancy we lost that baby.  It wasn't just any loss (not to compare losses, as ANY loss-whether it be at 4 weeks or 20 weeks-is a loss that needs to be dealt with and grieved in a way that's right for you), but what I mean is that it was a ruptured ectopic that nearly took my life.  It was a scary time, and the trauma of the situation trumped the loss (in that moment), of which I later had to deal with as well.  Long story short, both my tubes were preserved (very rare in this surgery), and 4 months later I was SHOCKED to see a positive pregnancy test.   I also am very excited to share the fact that this was our first naturally conceived pregnancy (and that I'm due one day before the one year anniversary of our loss).  I waited out the 3 months they suggested and decided to focus on my healing and health in the meantime through chiropractic and acupuncture treatments, which I now swear by.  Apparently the natural rebalancing was all I needed from the get go.  I'm sharing this today because I'm open to discussing this with anyone who has had similar struggles, with anyone who suspects an ectopic pregnancy, and that there are happy endings after dark times.

Not to get into too many details, I'd still like to share my symptoms and experience that night in case anyone reading this EVER experiences this (hopefully not), as it is life threatening if the ectopic ruptures.  I was shocked to hear that this happens in 1 in 25 pregnancies and later saddened to learn that an early ultrasound could prevent all this, since ectopics can be treated with medication before rupturing occurs.

pregnancy 2
i didn't think i'd want to look at this again,
but i realize now that no one can
ever take away this happy moment from us even
though it turned out differently than we'd hoped

Again, I was gleeful and thinking positively with this pregnancy 6 weeks in; from names to registry peeking.  I thought:  Sure I have fears, but if I think positively good things will come, right???  It was a sweet notion and I don't discount the power of positive thinking and prayer, but it also can't protect us from everything.  I also believe, though, that everything truly happens for a reason.  During that pregnancy, I was fatigued but not very nauseous, as the pregnancy hormone rises much slower with an ectopic.  I had just written my Why We Go Organic blog post and had started doing some floor exercises with the Tracy Anderson Method.  I felt a sharp pain in the abdomen and immediately thought of a muscle strain so I stopped working out.  The pain, though, didn't subside and progressively got worse.  I recalled a similar pain earlier in the week in the middle of the night that went away within the hour that I had chalked up to gas pains (even though I had never experienced this pain, I just blamed it on the new pregnancy feelings).  During that panic moment in the night, though, I did google my symptoms and something stuck out from what I saw along the lines of:  Do NOT ignore what may feel like an extreme gas pain or abdomen cramping during pregnancy as it may be a ruptured ectopic that could cause blood loss, shock, and eventually death.  Now, I'm all for googling your symptoms if it will enlighten you and aide you in speaking with your doctor or choosing a healthier lifestyle, but not if it will make you panic and obsessive about your symptoms.  In this case, I feel it may have saved my life.  Because that one little sentence was stuck in my head, I felt I knew what the worse case scenario was and that I should treat it as an emergency if the pain didn't subside.  I called my husband at exactly the right time because he was able to come home and teach his class from here in case I truly needed him.  Thank goodness he did because I may not have had 3 hours left, as the doctors later told me.  By the time he got home I was weak, white as a sheet, freezing, and my toddler was climbing all over me on the couch (blissfully unaware that Mommy was sick).  My body was losing blood and I was going into shock; my attempt to dial 911 was even a failure.  Within minutes, we got it together and rushed to the hospital and I fainted upon entering.  I didn't physically see any blood loss coming from me, so I still prayed this was a "gas and panic attack moment" and that everything with the baby was fine.  More so, though, the fear of anything happening to ME when I was already a mom to my beloved son was scarier.  After consults with ER nurses and doctors, I eventually got an ultrasound that showed nothing in my uterus and a mass in my abdomen.  This of course was the ruptured ectopic (when a fertilized egg implants anywhere outside of the uterus and ruptures).  I then met with the surgeon through my OB office who was on call that night.  When I heard his name, Dr. Joseph, I immediately thought of a friend referring to him as "the best" when we moved here 2 years prior.  This put me at ease and I felt I was in great hands, as his bedside manner and knowledge was impeccable.  Unfortunately, we had to break the news to our parents that we were both pregnant AND I was undergoing immediate surgery all in the same breath, as we were planning on surprising them in 2 weeks with a visit home up north (needless to say, I told my mom immediately about my pregnancy this time around just in case).  Before surgery, the doctor gave me the worst possible outcomes, including losing one or more tubes and possibly needing a blood transfusion.  I squeezed my baby boy's hand (in the stroller now getting sleepy and happily showing off his kicks to the nurses), and was simply ready to get this done and move on.  If I had dwelled, I would've been very scared.  The laparoscopy went well.  In fact, while most cases lose at least one tube, I was told that both of mine were preserved due to the rare fact that the fertilized egg fell out of the tube at some point.  I was also informed that despite them having to remove a liter of blood from my belly, I didn't need a transfusion.  All in all, best case scenario for a horrible situation.  I was tucked in bed by 1am that evening (after still tending to a confused overtired son who needed some mommy love that I was grateful to do even though I was in pain).

heaven captured

It took a couple of days to get over the trauma part, longer to ever think about conceiving a child again, and of course the loss hit me like a ton of bricks during my follow-up visit.  Looking at my son's "Big Bro" tees and receiving week by week pregnancy emails after the fact was a kick in the gut.  Later that week, though, I found solace in a beautifully clear crisp night while walking my son (I forced myself, and was grateful I did).  I was venting to a best friend back home for the first time about it, and I just felt at peace.  Our girl name actually meant "Spring bird"... I can't tell you how many Spring birds surrounded us on that walk.  It was in this moment and later others that I slowly stopped being angry and stopped questioning: Why???  Why couldn't this little soul join our family?  Why can't I meet my child?  I started to realize that the little one was still with us in spirit (my personal belief, anyway), and that even though they didn't join us in the physical sense, that they'll always be with us and we will meet them someday.  Call it rationalizing to get through, call it a gut feeling, but I believe she's watching over us every day.  In fact, from conception with our 3rd (and healthy!!) pregnancy, double rainbows have been following us around-from state to state, in pictures and in songs... One bright, one dim.  I can't help but feel that it's both babies with us.  I feel so blessed and appreciative of what we have right now.  I can't grasp losses... or why they happen to anyone, but I do see that both wonderful and difficult things happen in life that we can't control, and that life does go on.  Of course my female friends and family were the best to turn to, as most men have difficulty in comprehending the emotional aspect of this.  The trauma and almost losing me scared the daylights out of my husband, but as soon as I was healed, his life went on as normal, although I wonder if it was a coping method for him.  But really I think until he saw a growing belly, a heartbeat, and eventually a little baby in the flesh, it was difficult to think of this as more than a baby-to-be.  Maternal instincts are such a beautiful truth.  Communication was key and we got through it, making us stronger as a family in the long run.

Well, so much for not sharing too much!  That was therapeutic to say the least, so I thank you for listening if you made it through:)  Again, sometimes talking about it (when you're ready-I sure wasn't at first), helps more than you'd think.  I'm so grateful that I came to peace with this though BEFORE I was pregnant again, so that I was emotionally ready and not replacing or hiding one emotion for another.  Moments still certainly hit me and I long for that child to be with us, but it wasn't meant to be; not in this life anyway.

This current miracle was our first "easy" and natural pregnancy out of nowhere!  Seeing the positive line was such a pleasant shock.  I was also quite nervous but 2 early ultrasounds put me at ease.  We had planned on a natural laid back approach through the summer then looking into medical interventions again this fall-so grateful that wasn't needed!  I also personally question if messing with my hormones in the first place could've raised the chances of an ectopic.  I pray that I'll never have struggles again.  The only changes I made were both chiropractic and acupuncture treatments, which have similar goals.  Needless to say, every sick day I experience with this pregnancy (while difficult!) is a blessing.

I promise, MUCH lighter posts to come!  Stay Positive!!!  And as always, Stay Chic, Stay Healthy;)